Social media has a habit of being a self proclaimed highlight reel. I am guilty of this. I show the happy parts of my life and keep the sob stories and pain to myself. I want this blog to be an inspiration to people just like me. People who are hard on themselves for no reason. People with so much potential but too much sob stories and pain holding them back from truely being themselves. In order for this blog to inspire people like me, I need to be honest about who "me" really is. This is me, and this is how I feel on a daily basis.
I find that too often we only remember good memories and we push the sad, hurtful memories into a tiny suitcase in the back of our mind. Concealing them and trying to forget they happened. Sometimes something happens, and all of that pain and hidden insecurities come crashing out of the tiny suitcase that has been overloaded. I am guilty of this bad habit, I bury my pain and frustration. I bottle my emotions and put on a smile for those who hurt me. After all weren't we all taught not to react to teasing, "don't show them it affects you, they'll stop". But what if they don't stop? What can you do to fix it?
My mom always told me that "you teach people how to treat you", well I have taught people that it's okay to disrespect me.
I'm not a very strong person. It may look like I am from the outside, but I am not. I cry on a daily basis these past few weeks/months. My mind refuses to stop torturing me, it makes me feel like I'm not good enough, like I'm crappy person who no one likes. These self destructing thought's come directly from people in my life who I am obligated to spend a lot of time with. I am constantly criticized and mocked by people who don't even take the time to try to know me. They tell me things about myself I need to change and reasons why "nobody" likes me. Criticism and judgements are a part of my daily conversations, everyone seems to have an opinion about everything I do. It's extremely discouraging and depressing.
I know what you're going to say "don't worry about what other people think of you".... I try. I really do. I don't want other people's opinions of me to dictate what I think of myself so much. But words echo over and over in my mind and echos eventually start to sink in.
My go to defense mechanism is humor. Chandler taught me that you can hide a multitude of deep personal issues with humour. I have twisted the cruel comments said to me into a comical skit for my friends and family. Joking about it seems to help me not take things too seriously. Other days I'm not as chandler like, and I transform into a sensitive little butterfly who's wings have been shredded.
"You teach people how to treat you" the echo continues. How can I change it? The problem is, once people have learned that it is okay to disrespect you they will take advantage of it over and over again. So how do I change it? How can I overcome this hole I have dug myself into.
I wish this was a post where I had an empowering message to share with you about how I have overcome this treatment, but alas I am still struggling to figure that out. I have tried removing myself from the situation and keeping to myself, then I was "stuck up" and apparently acting like I was better then everyone. I tried to fight back and stand up for myself, but then I was b****. I tried to change my own attitude and treat people with the level of respect that I expect, and then I got walked all over and still treated like crap.
I'm at a loss. I don't know what I can do to change these people's opinions of me. Then I remembered something else my mom and her friend had talked about.
My mom's bestfriend is from chile, she told me about a term they have in Spanish "Sandre pesada" meaning heavy blood. Her description how you feel about someone who "has heavy blood" was this --- You feel like you instantly don't like the person even if you don't even know them. You want to punch them for no reason, just they annoy you to look at them--- I know a few people who have heavy blood, and I will admit that I treat them differently without meaning to, or noticing that I do.
The other night when I was getting a fresh load of criticism about the tone of my voice, I began to think about the term heavy blood. I've know for a while now that I have a "Resting witch tone of voice" meaning if I don't pay attention to how I'm speaking, I sound angry and demanding. Though, this problem isn't the only thing causing people to treat me the way that they do. I've struggled for years now with people treating me badly for no reason. Maybe I have heavy blood. Maybe I irritate people for no particular reason other than I just do. Or it could very well have nothing to do with me. It could be an insecurity that the other person is dealing with, and just so happens to be taking their frustrations out on me. I don't really know what it is, but I've learned that all I can do is take a lesson from my own feelings.
I know how it feels when you walk in a room and feel like no one wants you there. I know what it's like when you walk around a corner and people go quiet because they were talking about you. It's heartbreaking. I might not be able to change how people treat me, but I can change how I treat other people. I can change how I influence other people's thoughts. I can choose to build people up instead of tearing them down.
I can do hard things, and I can be strong when I don't feel strong. I can rise.
I find that too often we only remember good memories and we push the sad, hurtful memories into a tiny suitcase in the back of our mind. Concealing them and trying to forget they happened. Sometimes something happens, and all of that pain and hidden insecurities come crashing out of the tiny suitcase that has been overloaded. I am guilty of this bad habit, I bury my pain and frustration. I bottle my emotions and put on a smile for those who hurt me. After all weren't we all taught not to react to teasing, "don't show them it affects you, they'll stop". But what if they don't stop? What can you do to fix it?
My mom always told me that "you teach people how to treat you", well I have taught people that it's okay to disrespect me.
I'm not a very strong person. It may look like I am from the outside, but I am not. I cry on a daily basis these past few weeks/months. My mind refuses to stop torturing me, it makes me feel like I'm not good enough, like I'm crappy person who no one likes. These self destructing thought's come directly from people in my life who I am obligated to spend a lot of time with. I am constantly criticized and mocked by people who don't even take the time to try to know me. They tell me things about myself I need to change and reasons why "nobody" likes me. Criticism and judgements are a part of my daily conversations, everyone seems to have an opinion about everything I do. It's extremely discouraging and depressing.
I know what you're going to say "don't worry about what other people think of you".... I try. I really do. I don't want other people's opinions of me to dictate what I think of myself so much. But words echo over and over in my mind and echos eventually start to sink in.
My go to defense mechanism is humor. Chandler taught me that you can hide a multitude of deep personal issues with humour. I have twisted the cruel comments said to me into a comical skit for my friends and family. Joking about it seems to help me not take things too seriously. Other days I'm not as chandler like, and I transform into a sensitive little butterfly who's wings have been shredded.
"You teach people how to treat you" the echo continues. How can I change it? The problem is, once people have learned that it is okay to disrespect you they will take advantage of it over and over again. So how do I change it? How can I overcome this hole I have dug myself into.
I wish this was a post where I had an empowering message to share with you about how I have overcome this treatment, but alas I am still struggling to figure that out. I have tried removing myself from the situation and keeping to myself, then I was "stuck up" and apparently acting like I was better then everyone. I tried to fight back and stand up for myself, but then I was b****. I tried to change my own attitude and treat people with the level of respect that I expect, and then I got walked all over and still treated like crap.
I'm at a loss. I don't know what I can do to change these people's opinions of me. Then I remembered something else my mom and her friend had talked about.
My mom's bestfriend is from chile, she told me about a term they have in Spanish "Sandre pesada" meaning heavy blood. Her description how you feel about someone who "has heavy blood" was this --- You feel like you instantly don't like the person even if you don't even know them. You want to punch them for no reason, just they annoy you to look at them--- I know a few people who have heavy blood, and I will admit that I treat them differently without meaning to, or noticing that I do.
The other night when I was getting a fresh load of criticism about the tone of my voice, I began to think about the term heavy blood. I've know for a while now that I have a "Resting witch tone of voice" meaning if I don't pay attention to how I'm speaking, I sound angry and demanding. Though, this problem isn't the only thing causing people to treat me the way that they do. I've struggled for years now with people treating me badly for no reason. Maybe I have heavy blood. Maybe I irritate people for no particular reason other than I just do. Or it could very well have nothing to do with me. It could be an insecurity that the other person is dealing with, and just so happens to be taking their frustrations out on me. I don't really know what it is, but I've learned that all I can do is take a lesson from my own feelings.
I know how it feels when you walk in a room and feel like no one wants you there. I know what it's like when you walk around a corner and people go quiet because they were talking about you. It's heartbreaking. I might not be able to change how people treat me, but I can change how I treat other people. I can change how I influence other people's thoughts. I can choose to build people up instead of tearing them down.
I can do hard things, and I can be strong when I don't feel strong. I can rise.
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